Bergoglio, whose belly was pressing against his white cassock, had popped open two buttons, revealing a portion of his pale stomach and a peek of his underwear. Struggling to fasten them again, he sighed in frustration. Father Pain-in-the-Sack approached.

Father Pain-in-the-Sack: "Holiness, would you like me to fetch a needle and thread? I could stitch them up for you."

Bergoglio pointed at his own belly.

Bergoglio: "If you can just close the buttons, that’ll do."

After several attempts, Father Pain-in-the-Sack gave up.

Father Pain-in-the-Sack: "It won’t work, Holiness, unless you manage to suck in your stomach."

Bergoglio: "I'll suck in il cazzo!"

Montini, always polite and eager to help, offered his assistance.

Bergoglio: "Ma vaffanculo e vai a farti fottere, you too."

Bergoglio grumbled, then sighed.

Bergoglio: "Damn, I’m starving."

Montini: "At your stage, that’s normal."

Bergoglio: "What stage? Explain."

Roncalli: "I’ll explain, I’ll explain! When you die, you carry a lot of desires with you, and sometimes it takes centuries to forget them. Up in Heaven, it’s not a big deal, but here on Earth, it’s torture. Want proof? Hey, Montini, want a cigarette?"

Montini started salivating.

Montini: "Where? Where is it?"

Roncalli: "See, Bergoglio? But the thing is, I’m starving too."

Roncalli looked around until he spotted Father Pain-in-the-Sack.

Roncalli: "Guido, get us something to eat."

Guido: "I don’t know how, Father. I don’t have my credentials to access the inner quarters where the kitchen is."

Roncalli: "Che cazzo è una credenziale?"

Bergoglio: "I’ll explain, I’ll explain! Leave it to me. It’s an identification card, like an ID, that grants access to certain areas of the Vatican. For example, the Sistine Chapel requires a special credential, and access to the tombs requires another one. And so on."

Paul gave Mick the task of setting up and running the Secret Society of Heteros Anonymous.

A channel was set up on Google Meeting for meetings of secret heteros who cannot, for whatever reason, disclose that they are heteros.

On this day, six people came forward to tell us about their experiences of living with heteros and non-heteros.

The first was (fictitious name) Charles.

Mick: We welcome our brother Charles. Good evening, Charles. Welcome. Please introduce yourself.

Charles: Good evening everyone, my name is Charles and today I wasn't straight.

None of the participants in the telemeeting showed any reaction. They just stared at their devices, waiting for Charles to tell his story.

Charles: Despite a lot of effort and dedication, I was fine as a straight man. I hadn't suffered any relapses for a week. But last Saturday, I was invited to a friend's nephew's birthday party. In order not to arrive empty-handed, I decided to stop by a Walmart store to buy the boy a toy. Walking through the toy section, I came across a shelf full of Barbie dolls, which I'm in love with, and I started to pick up and look at every detail of various dolls. Would the boy's mother mind if I gave him a Barbie? Or maybe a Ken; then, who knows, he might ask for a Barbie as a present.

But then someone with a thunderous voice said, blowing a hot breath into my most sensitive ear, the left one, "Do you need any help, darling?". I turned to answer no and was faced with a wonderful, strong and beautiful Greek god. Well, I said yes. And I said, "Why don't we discuss this at home tonight at seven?

The Greek god looked me up and down, measuring every inch of my body, took his smartphone out of his pocket and said: "Hot Stuff".

I begin at the end by explaining why “Calligraphic Writing” was included in this important Treatise.

Some documents sent by the researchers who contributed to the Treatise, but mainly my own, were written in such poor and illegible handwriting that I noticed there is no standard or protocol for cursive writing. Indeed, everyone writes as they wish, leaving the reader responsible for interpretation. This is a significant problem because it can lead to errors, some very serious and even dangerous. For instance, there was a case where a pharmacist provided a patient with Bisacodyl, a laxative used to treat constipation, instead of Bisoprolol, a beta-blocker used to treat high blood pressure, angina, and heart failure. The result: the patient had to be rushed to the emergency room because they were simultaneously short of breath and experiencing severe diarrhea.

I confess that I included “CALLIGRAPHIC WRITING” in the Treatise on my own accord and without the knowledge of my peers, as I was given the task of drafting the document.

But let’s get to the Treatise itself.

Dr. Thutmose Al Harem, the brilliant master and author of the successful “Practical Course for the Investigative Mythologist,” proposed a protocol for dealing with UFO and abduction cases some time ago. I was honorably appointed “rapporteur of the project” and drafted all the chapters of the “UFOLOGY AND CALLIGRAPHIC WRITING TREATY.” I submitted the content to the Master, who noted the importance of collaboration from more people. After all, many abductees remain in the shadows, and the only proven fact is that “all abductees get conjunctivitis, but not everyone who gets conjunctivitis has been abducted.” With contributions from social media participants, this will be the first treatise democratically written by hundreds of hands.

In a world where the search for answers about the UFO phenomenon intensifies, the Treatise on UFOLOGY emerges as a fundamental guide for investigators and scholars who wish to uncover the mysteries, among others, of alien abduction.